The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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