THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
