is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
