Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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