I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
