Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
