all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
