Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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