I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
