I cockslap morals
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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