I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
