i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
