and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
