I could make wine with my vomit
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
