I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she told me i tasted like america
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
