Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
