and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
