Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
