Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You made out with two different species that night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
