just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
