We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
