he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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