come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
