All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
