I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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