i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
