I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
