How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
