Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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