just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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