Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Even my vagina gasped.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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