You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
