So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
