I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
