Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
