my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
