I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
