I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
