I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
