I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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