Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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