Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
