I can't watch pbs sober anymore
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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