Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
