whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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