i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
