dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
