A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
