I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
