Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
